Subsexting

Technology has, of late, brought the country’s teens and their parents into a frightening new world. It has been particularly frightening of late because sub-teens and teens have been engaged in a charming act called “sexting” – sending sexual text messages to one another. These messages might include cute to obscene language and innocent to lewd photographs. Because they have always lives in a digital age, thoroughly modern teens don’t think through the long-term consequences of this behavior – public humiliation, college and job application denials, arrests for possessing and mailing child pornography and, related to this, having to register themselves as sex offenders. Forever.

In a cautionary tale of sexting, in May of 2008, Jesse Logan of Ohio, a beautiful 18 year-old girl, sent a nude photo of herself to her boyfriend’s cell phone. He later sent the photo to hundreds of students in the tri-state area, an act that devastated Jesse. Following her experience she publically discussed why sexting was unwise on several TV news shows. Unable to withstand the humiliation heaped on her by peers, she hanged herself in her bedroom closet with the blurred nude cell phone photo nearby.

The laws being applied to sexting were certainly not meant for Jesse or though he was mean-spirited, for her boyfriend. They were meant to protect minors for sexual predators. Technology appears to have outstripped policy.

What we now know from relatively recent neurologic data about the teen brains is that they are a work in progress. Similarly to the extraordinarily rich period of growth and development that occurs between birth and age five, teenage brains are dynamic environments. While all data are not in, this appears to be a result of a second surge of gray matter (the thinking part of our brains), neurologic pruning processes (determining what we have not used in a ‘use it or lose it’ strategy), the new presence of sexual hormones, and, relative to young adulthood, poorly defined executive decision-making.

So just at the time when teens want to have sex, they are least equipped to make good decisions about their bodies. Because society is less rigidly structured than previously and because many parents are concerned about being thought of as disciplinarians, teens often don’t have clear sets of rules. Top this with a sexualized media that makes girls feel inadequate if they are not thin, pouty-lipped and attractive to a boy by 12 OR that makes challenges boys to celebrate macho through getting sexual points for running sex trains on girls and there’s a pretty mess. Or let’s imagine we have the Montague’s of Poughkeepsie and the Capulet’s vacationing in Martha’s Vineyard. Put I-phones into their hands. Let 14 year-old her scoot down onto soft pink blanket with her teddy bear, and a 15 year-old he onto his baseball-covered comforter to start texting each other.

It’s getting hot n here. So take off all your clothes. Hot, so hot n here.

MMMM! Send me a picture, baby. Enough of that. We now have interstate transmission of child pornography. Shocked parents. Humiliated 14 and 15 year olds whose stories are on the national news and whose parents hie them off to therapy and keep sharp objects away from them.

Teen brains and nether regions are a bad mix waiting to happen. Teenagers are always going to do stupid things. It’s their job. It’s how they learn, how we learned at their ages. Each generation has its own version of what’s stupid given the technologies, opportunities, and numbers of attentive eyes trained on them. If the truth is told, most adults still get stupid about sex occasionally.

The answer to the question that has not much been addressed in all of this, though, is about the attentive parental eyes. A lot of parenting, as it happens, is common sense, but as my grandmother used to say, “Common sense ain’t common to everybody.” Research is now telling us what generations of grandmothers could have told us for free:

· Children and teens need affection, safety and structure more than they need us to buy their love

Adults tend not to like to be bought but children often accept anything from a parent, even if it has negative consequences. What children and teens want is our time, our positive attention, and a home life that is safe and provides fair rules and understandable structure. Activities are nice but they can never take the place of actual parenting.

· Talk to your children and teens

From the moment they are born, have conversations with them. Don’t preach. Let them know that, no matter what their concerns, issues, or infractions, they can bring them to you. While you may be angry about infractions, you will always love them and will work towards resolution with them.

. We are parents to our children, not their friends

Set boundaries and don’t let your children run you. Remember who had the labor pains, who pays the bills, and works every day. If its not you, get thee to a family therapist. Right now and in a hurry.

Monkey see, monkey do. You must live the life you want your children to live. If you swear, smoke, drink, and sleep around, they will too. There is no “do what I say, not what I do, anymore.” Those days went out with people like Ozzie and Harriett – they won’t even find them on Google.

· Family dinner is one of the most important hours of the day.

Use it to create a ritual, while sharing special or challenging moments from the days of each family member. What we now know is that young people who eat family dinner are less likely to get poor grades, become young parents, or drink or take drugs.

Here is the truth: If we restructure our families, ruffle our kids' hair especially when they hate it, and eat dinner together without the benefit of TV, our children may not have time to get naked over the phone or in person.

And here’s another news flash: Cell phones aren’t entirely necessary. We have gotten very used to having cell phones and have convinced our teens that they must have them. The truth is that they are often important for safety. But and all of the splash and sizzle on them definitely isn't - texting, cameras, games, and multiple expensive applications are not absolutely necessary. Don't buy them if you have questions about your children's maturity. Turn them off until you have developed a relationship with your children that has these words in their heads:

In this house we speak the truth. In this house good grades are your job. In this house we value our bodies

. They'll slip up from time to time - its the challenge of their developing brains. But they will remember the house rules as they grumble. They will appreciate the safety provided in your home. And they will love you for it later.

Keep your kids out of jail. Keep them off of the sex offender list (unless they otherwise should be). And get them into college. Where, perhaps, as their brains prepare to exit the danger zone, they can study in a manner that gives them global context rather than potentially life-derailing sub-sext.